Husband and Kisses

As a reminder to myself, and others who might benefit from it..taken from AllExperts.com.

Question
I've been with my husband for 11 years. He never kisses me except for a little during sex, or if he does kiss me it is just a small very impassionate peck on the lips. On numerous occassions I have tried to get close to him and kiss him, he always gives me some comical kiss and then wipes his mouth like a five year old who has been kissed by his aunt. I told him I didn't like the way he kissed me, but he didn't do anything about it. I have told him on several occassions that I like kissing, but he never reciprocates. Are there reasons why he doesn't kiss? It feels sometimes like we are more like brother and sister, and when we have sex it is just so he can fulfill his needs and return to business. It doesn't feel like we have a real physical connection.

Answer
Dear Jill,

Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.

It seems that kissing is a matter of personal preferences and is much more often desired by the woman than the man in a relationship. Your situation is not at all unusual.

In order to fully understand this, it is important to try to get into the other person's head - which of course, is not easy. Most men view love/sex as a functional thing. Rare is the man who is possessed of a truly romantic side (there are some out there, however). Men who kiss in a passionate and loving way (even in conjunction to sex), are indeed rare.

Because love/sex is a functional thing, they see no good reason for it. It doesn't accomplish much. Most men don't care much for foreplay either, but they have learned - or been taught - that their women generally give them a better reaction toward sex if they "bother with it". Kissing on the other hand, they an see not real use for.

When couples are courting, usually a man will kiss more because he can see that this action is more likely to induce a feeling of closeness with the female and thus she might be more willing to have a sexual experience with him. Married men, however, do not feel the "need" to engage their woman since a sexual experience is more guaranteed.

Sadly, modern culture (movies, novels, television), has given most women unrealistic expecations when it comes to kissing. In the "real world" it is exceedingly rare that a couple kiss after the initial courting period. If so, it is usually as you describe a peck on the cheek or lips. In some ways modern culture has been unfair to men by establishing this expectation. In other words, it is not the MEN who are acting badly, they are acting normally for them - it is modern culture that is acting badly by instilling the unrealistic desire that women have about kissing beyond the courting stage.

I expect that the reason that you "like" kissing, as you put it, is that it reminds you of the feelings you had during your courtship period. Those "butterfiles in the tummy" type of feelings that are so powerful, yet so fleeting. Sometimes a good kiss can actually recapture those feelings, if only for an instant. Most women (me included), really enjoy that. Also, kissing is perceived as somewhat glamerous since we see it in the movies, between the leading lady and the hero. It brings us a sense of fantasy - suspension of reality. For a moment we can be the movie stars. To us women kissing has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with romance.

Do not think too harshly of your husband because he doesn't "get it". He never will and if you keep trying to convince him of the joys of kissing he will continue to be bewildered. If he does kiss you, be glad, but I wouldn't push the issue. Men are simply wired differently and they don't get what we get out of a nice kiss. Let it pass. Instead, consider every nice thing he does, or every nice word he says HIS way of giving you a kiss. Everyone desires a little passion - that is normal. But don't let this desire become so strong and all encompassing that you become discontented without it. Learn to love, enjoy and appreciate what you HAVE and leave your passion with your fantasies and your memories. Your life and your marriage will be infinitely happier without the yearning. Believe me.

Thanks for writing. Hope everything works out. Let me know if I can offer any more to you.

R. M. French

...the term is "Asian kiss". Could Jill be Asian? God knows.
But I do have the same concern, except that I do get those kisses a lottttt, but they are "Asian kiss". What I really want is the kisses that we saw on tv! Haha silly me. But yeah, wouldn't it be wonderful? :P

Love,