the bittersweet discovery

Five months has passed. 

Five menses. Haha.

And I thought we have passed that - the pressure of having a baby.

NOT!

1,2,3..counts of the happy news in the span of 2 weeks. 

Last week:

My cousin-in-law finally conceived after four years - after few visits to LPPKN - after 4 years of waiting - but BEFORE making it to IUI. After HSG, she was diagnosed as having blocked fallopian tubes. They planned to do IUI after Hari Raya period but poof! the little fella finally made it through.

Last night:

Our instant niece-in-law casually told me that there is a baby inside her Mama's belly, and they think it's a boy. Her Mama was just married to Hunn's elder brother last 31st July 2010.

This morning:

The husband of one of my close friend posted a pic on his FB wall, pic taken yesterday morning.

The pic of a HPT strip with 2 lines.

They were, indeed, good news.

I was genuinely happy for our cousin, they've been waiting for sooo long. And she has gone through quite a lot. 3 of our cousins got married not so long after another, and they were the first. The 2 couples after that conceived quite quickly, within the first 6 months after the wedding. Imagine how she must have felt upon hearing the pregnancy news.....

which

has

now

become

my turn

to

go

through..

I would be lying to say that I am happy for them.

I was not. 

So bad of me, but I still am not.

I've seen how my parents-in-law were happy whenever their cucu (although an instant one) came to visit. We've been staying with them for 1 year++, I swear they never looked happier. I feel guilty for not giving them grandchildren all this while..and to see what they have been missing. Although they have never ever bring up the subject of kids to us..I still feel guilty. I know that it's a very negative thought, which I shouldn't be having at all...but who am I kidding? This is the queen of all perasaan in the world! :( 

I know that I must not stay this way, that I should be positive, be happy for them, be happy to see those bumps coming to the house, bearing the new additions to the family. 

I pray that I will heal. I pray that I will find my thoughts to feel better.

And I pray that I will find that confidence that the time will come for us. That our turn WILL come sooner or later..

Love,

Fertility - Is it genetically determined?

Being in a family of 8 siblings, with mum & dad each having more than 10 siblings themselves, I thought there will be no time before the bundle of joy arrives.


Hehe turned out I was wrong.

Historically, I only had my period when I turned 14. I remembered being among the last person in my batch (I was in all-girls' school) to get her period & so close to be brought to see Gynae by my mum, in fear of infertility. Wah awal gile Mak risau hahaha. But then, she could be right though, because back then, in school & even in university, the most times I got my period was 6 times/year - which was a bless then, because that enabled me to complete a whole month of fasting in Ramadhan, for 4 years in a row!

But all those changed when I started dating my (then) boyfriend. My period was on track, with 28-day cycle. Was it the hormones? Hormon gatal? Hahaha.
Must be the hormones!

2 years and 4 months later, we got married. Need I mention, it was a week after my last period. 2 weeks later, I missed my period. But we waited for a week..and I started to get pening2 & mual2 in the evenings (not morning though, selalu kelam kabut nak pergi office hehe)..the signs were so obvious (to me, it was). I wasn't exactly happy though, it was more of a worry! I guess I wasn't so keen on having a baby that soon - I want my honeymoon year! :P

So we took the test. Negative.
Takpe teruskan aktiviti seperti biasa.
Two weeks. We tested again. Negative.
Went to see the doc one morning when I had those symptoms again. Took the test again - negative.
......I remembered feeling sad then. Maybe after all those anxieties, I started hoping for something.

I only had my period 2 weeks later, making it a 50-day cycle. The trend continued - and it started to get depressing! We didn't do anything differently though. Didn't take any med, any supplement or even observe the fertility window, we thought we should just let my body adjust to the new life...and just go with the flow!

6 months passed - and there was still no sign of my body coping with the changes. So we decided to embrace my very first appointment with a Gynae in Prince Court MC. After an abdominal scan, the doc told me that my ovums didn't fully develop - she pointed that the eggs are all premature, and possibly all this while in those 6 months I wasn't ovulating at all. How depressing! and I felt humiliated too, I felt less of a woman :(
I was given a booklet on PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome or famously termed as PCOS, and consoled me that at least 1 in 5 women in the world have it. Did I feel any better? No.

I thought to myself - why now? Probably I had it since long - given the history of puasa penuh for 4-yrs in a row, but wasn't it goes back to normal during those 2 yrs when I was courting my (then) boyfriend? What did I do differently to get it back? :( According to the doc, it could be the changes in my life after being married that turns the hormones haywire, coupled with the fact that I gained some weight since then - all those could contribute to PCOS.

I was upset, yes, but mostly, I felt guilty to my husband. I was thinking that it was my fault we couldn't get pregnant :(
What a hard fact to swallow, since I should be super-duper-fertile, if its genetically determined!

More stories in the next entry.

Love,

Foreword

This blog is created at 1:20am, Friday 21st May 2010, on my 15th wedding monthiversary :)

I am writing this blog to narrate my journey to become a mummy - what I read, what I tried, what works and what doesn't work, more towards sharing with dear readers, of few I know would be my friends. I think TTC is not so rare as it used to be - I am surrounded by friends and families who are TTC, and I think I have so much to share with them! Cuma masa je tak sempat..hence comes this blog :)

We have been married for 1 year & 3 months, and has been on TTC journey for 9 months - clock started when I saw the Gynae comes 6 months after the wedding, when my unpredictable period doesn't show any sign to go back to normal.

More stories later.

Love,

p/s in case if you're wondering, pronounciation is mis-ji-jish :P